Daddy, wanna come throw with me?
Oh, I'm actually in the middle-- Not you.
Oh, yeah, but just for a bit,
while Gloria and Joe go through
some of your old toys in the garage.
I'll fly there.
Hey, vamonos.
Kid loves that cape.
So I see your stance on sons wearing accessories has evolved.
The cape gives him super powers, what did leg warmers give you?
Flair, they gave me flair to...
Leave me alone, okay?
Everybody, leave me alone!
Hey, what's all that...
I just, I'm sorry. I just need a night away.
Here, wanna help? I don't do that.
Okay, it's just been a lot recently,
you know, coming off a really long trial.
Uh, Cam's spring cleaning frenzy,
hauling Lily all over for softball,
pretending to care about softball.
Oh, I get needing time away. I was married to your mother.
Like you are now...
I have it all planned out,
I drive to the desert. I check into The Markham...
A few hours by the pool, massage,
then I head downstairs for a juicy steak frites,
just me and my book, which can't talk to me.
So do it.
Ugh! Asking Cam to go away, alone,
is three weeks of wounded crazy,
that I don't wanna deal with right now.
Don't ask, tell. Isn't that what you fought for?
I don't know what to address first.
Uh, Jay, Gloria is ready to go.
All right, take it easy. You have a good one too, Mrs. Tucker.
Why did he call you Mrs. Tucker?
Why does he wear those boxy jeans? I don't know.
No, seriously. Why is he messing with you?
Yeah. What the hell?
Um, I told him how I would love to go to the desert for a night.
Okay, yeah. Fine, let's go.
Hold please. How I would love to go
to the desert for a night alone.
I don't care.
You wanna go alone, go alone. I don't care.
Oh, see, you said I don't care twice.
Because that's how much I don't care. Why are you still here?
Cam, don't be hurt. I'm not running from you.
And I'm not folding that.
I just wanted a night alone, okay?
Lily's going to that sleep over tonight.
It seemed like a good night to do it.
So go. You know, I don't love the implication that I'm so needy,
I can't spend one night by myself.
I didn't say that.
You didn't not say that.
And you're not not being needy.
Well, to show you how not needy I am,
I will pack your bag for you.
It's already packed?
Oh, yeah. Well, this is the third time I've tried asking you.
Bye, I love you. Okay.
Oh, hello, Claire.
Hi, honey, I just got back from the... Oh!
Oh, indeed.
Welcome to your pre-recorded seduction.
Mama likes.
Papa knows.
That's right.
I know my wife so well, I was able to anticipate her questions
before she asked them.
Well, this is kind of fun.
The sexiest? I don't know. The world's a pretty big place.
Help yourself to a glass of wine, my love.
It's kind of early in the day,
but how often do we get the house completely to ourselves?
Easy, thirsty, I've got plans for you.
Hint, this won't be the last time you see me on a sheet today.
Now you...
Well, I guess your beautiful lunch will have to wait.
Someone's here. No, Claire.
What?
Yes, Claire, show me those pretty feet.
How do you turn this thing off?
You know what's not really conducive to studying?
A hundred nerds crying in every different Asian language.
You knew finals were coming, people. Calm the hell down.
Oh, good, you're here.
Do we have any corn?
What is happening? Are those chickens?
Epic senior prank.
Don't make it too epic.
How will you top it next year?
Get them out. Get them out now.
I need to grab something upstairs. Oh, God.
Come on, guys.
The door. What is going on?
Guess who I found driving through the neighborhood
who insisted on stopping over to say hi with his new wife and her kids?
It was me.
Dylan, you know from before?
Yeah.
Mr. and Mrs. D, this is my wife, Dr. Elaine Coulcheck.
Doctor!
Yeah, I don't know why he does that.
And these are my beauties, Betty and Janice.
And this is my son Douglas.
Hmm.
Your son, that's not weird.
Anyway, I just wanted to pick something up that I left here.
Bam!
Oh, wait, uh...
Bam!
Your dad did that. Yellow is the hardest side.
What was that sound? What happened?
Broke the banister, I'll fix it.
What's this thing?
No, no! Oh, no.
Now, now.
No, no, no, no. A treat for you.
No! No! Everybody go home.
No!
♪ Watching sports with my feet on the table
♪ This is the best, this is the best
♪ Being alone is the best ♪
Rescue Me.
What?
That was the name of the TV show
I couldn't remember at dinner last week.
C'mon, let's pop it in.
No, it's a bad time, Cam.
Turns out, it wasn't allergies. I feel terrible.
You shouldn't be close to me. I don't wanna get you sick.
Oh, gosh. No danger of that. I have the immune system of a horse.
When I was a kid, I needed a transfusion,
and there was a mix up with the vials.
I've contacted Marvel Comics repeatedly,
but they don't seem interested.
C'mon, I'll make you some chicken soup.
Manny, hey, hey. And who is this?
Cam, this is Sierra, my... Gosh, what would you call us at this point?
Teacher-assigned study partners.
As you can see, I've got a lot of work to do. So...
Yeah, we only have another half hour.
I promised my dad I'd get an oil change.
Oh, well, Manny can do that.
Really?
Yeah, pull your car into the garage.
Just be careful not to hit his weight set or his power tools.
Wow, that would be awesome.
Cam, I know you're trying to help, but stop. I'm clueless about cars
and I really don't want her hitting Mom's weight set.
I'm gonna talk you through it. Okay, Missy...
Whatever you're working on over here, lemme take over.
No, no, no, you can't. This is my abuela's special fever cure.
Please hand me the dried scorpion.
You're gonna eat this?
No, don't be stupid.
I'm gonna wrap it in a rag and I am gonna let it soak into my head.
Okay, you know what?
Let's get you to bed. And I will bring it to you.
I can follow a recipe.
No, no, no. It's...
Go on, go on. Be careful.
All right, ground chicken beak, mashed crickets?
Ew!
Cilantro?
I'll grab your room key. Restroom's over there.
Thank you so much. I just drove
the whole way, I had a huge ice tea, and...
What am I doing? You know why people pee.
Hey, Colin, might have been hasty, turning down that site map.
I've walked into the same bar mitzvah twice now.
Hey, whatcha doin' here?
Me? You said Cam wouldn't let you come.
I thought it was safe.
Safe to what? Steal my special day?
Well, you made it sound so good.
The pool, the steak, no one to talk to.
Well, now we have someone to talk to. Thanks a lot.
Look, the place is gigantic. You do your thing, I'll do mine.
Oh, my God, Dad. You even stole the book that I'm reading.
When you were over at the house, I peeked at the jacket.
I'm not gonna read something Larry King called "Crazy good?"
Fine, I'll see you back in civilization, okay?
Thank you. Okay.
Uh, you're sure you don't need a site map?
No, I'm fine. I've been here a million times. Thank you so much.
Are you trying to make me fail?
Sweetheart, I know that you are stressed and we are so proud
that you stopped pulling out your eyelashes.
So proud. We are a little concerned
about this new pen up the nose tick.
It's not a tick. It's just something some people do occasionally.
Where is it?
Right there. You've got it right there.
Ahhh! Damn it.
I mean, the crazy thing is, I'm happy Dylan found that old lady
with those hideous kids. I mean, how funny is it,
that he is the one that settled down
and he's doing so great while I'm alone
basically forever.
Could you please go be tragic somewhere else?
Dylan, are you back?
I'm fixing the banister.
Argh! This is a nightmare.
You're not better than us.
I'm so much better than you.
I'm not the one with a pen up her nose.
Ahhh!
Dude, at least I have a boyfriend.
Who says that?
Uh-oh!
Oh, God.
Haley crying about Dylan,
Alex freaking out about school, this is like a big deja vu.
No, deja vu is when you imagine
that you've seen something before.
This is just vu.
In hindsight, I should have pulled my head out
before I nailed the post back in.
Buddy.
Live and learn.
If only you ever did.
Ugh!
Okay. I think I may have gone too deep this time.
Sweet Caligula! That's a lot of blood.
Why would Dylan change his phone number?
Do you know how long it took him to memorize the last one?
Both sides now?
Don't hate this glue smell.
Okay, now comes the blood loss migraine.
Oh, you know, I can go get some medicine.
Oh, no, you know I can do that.
Actually, my car is blocking your car.
Yeah, that's not a big deal.
You know what, because I can just take your car instead of mine. Bye.
No, no way.
Oh, my God. Knock it off.
Mind your own business.
I would love to.
But now I'm wondering if all that gasping
is about something I've already read,
or something coming up.
I'm on page 312.
Don't tell me that.
Now I know there's a gasp coming in 20 pages.
Of course, you're following me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else.
What the hell did I just witness?
Oh, good Lord!
Tell me about this sea bass special again.
Mediterranean prep. En papillote...
Oh, really?
Yeah, baked in paper, with tomato,
red pepper, capers, onion, olives.
Literally, my favorite fish dish. Um...
Would you recommend that over the steak?
Hey, I was kind of in the middle of my own thing here.
Would you recommend that over the steak?
They're both great. Fine, steak.
Stick with the plan. And I'll have a glass of the Merivale cab.
Yeah, me too, thank you.
Sorry, the Merivale cab doesn't come by the glass.
It seems like you two know each other.
You could split the fish and steak and share the bottle of wine.
Not doing that.
Never said we were.
This is actually my dad.
I came here for some alone time, but he copy catted me.
He said he wasn't coming because his scary partner said he couldn't.
Scary husband!
Still hits my ear wrong.
Wow, so you're not even in a...
Uh... I'm sorry, just...
My dad passed away when I was 10
and I'd love to have dinner with him again.
Oh, Austin. That's so sad.
Terrible story, makes you think.
Anyway, I'll have a glass. Any of the reds.
White for me.
I'm sorry, buddy, I didn't mean to pull your leg so hard.
What?
Dylan was my romantic safety net.
How is a person supposed to live without one?
Alex, I'm asking.
It is scientifically impossible for me to care less about your--
Head down, honey. What?
Where is your mom? She's been gone for over an hour.
She's just sitting in the car.
What?
She's just sitting in... Never mind!
Oh!
Hi. Hi.
How long have you been sitting out here?
That's a weird question. I literally just drove in.
What? Sorry. We usually try to get here
in under 30 minutes. Yeah, thank you.
Okay. Thank you.
Oh, God. Phil, I can't go back in there. I'm sorry, I tried.
I opened the door but my legs won't move.
Honey.
Drive.
What? What about Alex's pills?
Drive.
So, we're running away from home. Is that okay?
Yes, we live with three adults. We're basically landlords
in an apartment building, we're the Ropers.
Yes, yes, we could just drive and drive.
Exactly, we've earned the right
to live the empty nester's life,
even though we're still full nesters.
Oh, my God. Do you remember that bottle of wine
we put aside the night Haley was born?
Yes, we were gonna open it the night all three of them moved out.
And watch one of the thousands of movies we missed cause they were sick
or hungry or choking on the head of a Power Ranger.
I am a woman who has never seen Thelma & Louise.
That's the only Harvey Keitel movie I've missed!
Where're we goin'?
Let's let the universe decide.
"Family is a gift you receive every day."
So they're making sarcastic ones now?
Squirrel!
Uh-oh!
I think we just ruined someone's graduation.
Hey.
Hi, I must have fallen asleep.
I don't see how. The fumes coming off
of that potion are something else.
Yes, when we're done with this, don't throw it out,
because with a teaspoon, I can clean the swimming pool.
Okay, Manny needs to see me in the garage. I will be right back.
Yeah, but come right back,
because this cannot stay longer than five minutes.
Oh! And, just for fun,
what would happen if it stayed on for say, I don't know...
Seventeen?
Well, they say that...
I know, no...
You used Joe's cape for this smelly thing?
You know how important this is for him?
No.
It goes like, me, the cape, chocolate chip cookies and then Jay.
Can't we just say Jay ruined it,
since he's already so far down the list?
Has anyone seen my cape?
Uh, no. What does it look like?
Like a cape!
Sorry, it's just so stressful.
You know what? I have to go to Manny,
then I'll clean Joe's cape, then I'll be back.
It's okay, go. We will all be waiting for you here in Cancun.
Something's wrong. There's oil everywhere!
Well, you probably just need to tighten the drain plug.
You popped her tire?
It's okay, it's all right.
Where does Jay keep his patch kit?
It took me 20 minutes to find the light switch,
I'm gonna know where a patch kit is?
Don't panic, I saw one here earlier.
Oh... Oh...
Oh, no, no! What?
That's Joe's cape.
Oh, no!
Joe loves this cape more than anything.
It goes like, me, the cape, chocolate chip cookies--
Almost done, Manny?
Oh! Hey, yeah, well, he would be,
if I wasn't out here asking him
so many questions about, you know,
how to patch a tire, but like he said,
the directions are written clearly down inside the patch kit.
And then if you get in a real jam, there's tons of videos online.
And anyway, shouldn't we give him
some space? Maybe get some tea?
So do you have a date for spring formal?
I probably won't even go. I have nothing to wear.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
It's not that big of a deal, I mean, people are starving.
Oh... Oh!
No, this isn't a sign is it?
Well, it's not a sturdy one, but they're only fifth graders.
No, you know, that we shouldn't have run away.
No, we're just gonna tie this off, hit the open road
and keep driving until the toilets flush in the other direction.
Oh, God, oh no, it's floating away.
Oh! Okay, it's caught in a tree, we can reach it.
Get on my shoulders!
What? Right. Oh yeah. All right.
Okay, forgot about that. Okay, come forward.
It's too high.
Just reach for the string.
Are you reaching for the string? No.
I'm pretending I'm at a Def Leppard concert.
It's right there. Just grab it.
I can't reach it, Phil.
I can't reach the next chapter.
Oh, my God, let me down, let me down.
What. What? Let me down.
Don't you see what the universe is trying to tell us?
We are never going to reach the next chapter.
Luke's not going to college.
Haley's gonna grow old in the basement.
Alex is just gonna keep coming back
to taunt us and use up our tissues.
I don't think the universe cares that much about us.
Phil, we tried to run away, and I could still see our chimney from here.
It's over, oh, yeah. This is it.
Welcome to our life.
Ha!
Sweetheart, I'm as upset as you are.
But since when did anything work out the way we planned?
We didn't plan on having Haley, we didn't plan on having Alex.
We did plan on having Luke, but we didn't plan on having Luke!
I'm having a tantrum.
And I love our kids. I do, most of the time I do.
It's just, I had this picture of how our life would look right now.
This is not that.
No.
Yeah, I get it.
Maybe...
Maybe we don't have to throw away the picture.
Just re-focus it a little.
Lug nut, tire iron.
Flugelhammer, pigeondoor.
These are all nonsense words to me.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
Well, I don't know what I'm doing here either.
Am I so incapable of spending a night alone
that I had to come over here and create all this drama?
No wonder Mitchell wanted to get away from me.
Hello? Oh!
Well, thank you, Manny, for letting me tighten that last wheel screw.
Maybe next week you could teach me how to street punch?
Yeah, sure.
Wow!
Cam found it upstairs for me.
It's one of your mom's dresses, isn't that crazy?
I can see running it by a therapist.
So, car looks done.
Do you maybe wanna, I don't know, go get something to eat?
Uh... Sure, but I'm a little dirty.
So? It's cute.
A word?
See, good as... No!
Oh!
It looks like a monster ate it!
Exactly, see, it tells a story.
This burn is from when you fought a dragon.
And these oil stains,
well, they're from when you saved
that 18-wheeler from going off a bridge.
This is the cape of a super hero,
who is always there for people in need.
Wow!
Fly away!
That was so nice, Cam.
Oh, thanks. You look better.
And your fever's gone!
I don't know what you put in my abuela's potion,
but it took care of the fever faster than ever.
Look it even made my teeth whiter! Huh?
Oh, wow. Look at that, here I was beatin'
myself up because I couldn't be alone
and one could argue that everybody in this house
is a little better off because of it.
Well, I lost a dress, and the house smells like smoke,
so I wouldn't be high fivin' myself that much.
Yes, sir?
Right?
Nobody keeps me on edge for 500 pages,
then decides they're just done writing.
Either end the damned story, or don't even write it!
Yes, exactly! God, for a minute I thought I missed something.
You did. The chance to read a great book on your one night alone.
At least the steak was good, right?
Nice cut. Perfectly cooked. Terrific wine.
What's funny? You!
The steak, the book, hell, this whole trip.
You're turning into me.
Uh-uh! No, no, Dad.
No, no. Hey, you're turning into me.
How?
The fact that you stayed with that book
at all which is basically a love story
between two men. It's a buddy thing.
Oh, please, buddies don't find that
many opportunities to skinny dip together.
Well, every time they saw a body of water,
it was off with the pants, splash.
You're just making it worse.
Oh, my God. Your hands.
That's what your spa appointment was. You got a manicure.
It's because Gloria said that my hands
were too rough. It was her idea.
Considerate. That's me.
Running from your family.
That's me.
Yeah.
I guess it's possible that we both moved to the center a little.
Yeah, well, it makes sense. Definitely makes things easier between us.
Little less distance.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, um, it's a crazy thought.
There's something old us could never do
without tears and screaming, that I think new us might be able to handle.
It might help me out at home, if you're game.
Lead with your elbow.
Shift your weight. Follow through.
It's not bad.
No, it wasn't good, but I'm not crying,
and you haven't called me "Missy" so let's keep going.
They had no choice.
The light turns red when you put something on it,
green when the hook is free. I call it a smart hook.
So smart. I got the idea
when I was in the parking garage.
Oh, God, Dad. Now don't look. Don't look.
What are they doing here? God, they are not going to
have brunch with us, are they?
They can't. This is our day.
You think they see us? Mmm.
Just keep walking. No sudden movements.
The site map says there's another cafe... My book.
Leave it!